Varric's Lesser Told Tales
by Wonktastic
Summary: Varric is a great storyteller. It's just sometimes, his stories are about how the great "heroes" he adventured with are really just immature, totally insane, and completely idiotic.


For a story teller who had traveled with not only the Lady Inquisitor, but with the Champion of Kirkwall as well, Varric didn't have as many stories as some assumed. Oh sure, he had dozens, each of them as entertaining as the last, but everyone expected them to be about vanquishing an archdemon, or dueling the Arishok with a bow. Sadly, most of them were stories of how pointlessly stupid their adventures were, and how completely and utterly moronic their so called heroes were. Still, Varric supposed, they made for excellent stories. Like that one time, where Lady Inquisitor Evelyn Trevelyan decided that she wanted to fight a dragon by herself…

* * *

Varric blinked a few times before the words finally came out of his mouth. "Inquisitor... I hate to ask, but, are you _retarded_?"

Evelyn Trevelyan simply shrugged as she grabbed her staff and her pack from the table. "Nah, I think I'm a perfectly normal human being."

Cassandra begged to differ. "You're going to fight a dragon. By yourself."

"Yep."

Varric chuckled a bit, and threw his hands up in the air. Evelyn was sure it was more from exasperation than anything else. At least it was nice that her friends, you know, cared about her well being. "Alright. I've tried, and she won't take 'stop you're going to die' as an answer. A dwarf can only protest for a certain amount of time before he quits."

Iron Bull shrugged. "I for one look forward to seeing the Inquisitor murder a dragon with her bare hands."

"I'm still going with you," Varric muttered to her. "If only to get the story."

Evelyn smiled. "Sure, as long as you don't interfere with me killing a dragon."

Without another word, she took her stuff, and walked out of the room.

Cassandra looked bewildered. "No one is concerned that the leader of the Inquisition just walked out of the room to go fight a dragon by herself?"

"Not particularly, apparently," Varric said with a frown.

"Damn," Bull muttered. "She's got stones, I'll give her that... That's really hot."

Cassandra groaned before dropping her head into her hands. "I'm surrounded by _idiots._ "

* * *

Evelyn knew the legends about the infamous Highland Ravager. A massive hulking beast, easily towering over the largest buildings, extremely aggressive, ruthlessly cunning, with scales that could shrug off any weapon or spell that even tried to pierce it. And it could breath fire. Any hunting party that even tried to take one on was at least twenty people, each armed to the teeth, with fire resistant armor, dozens of potions per man, and enough ice bombs to create a small ice age.

And Evelyn Trevelyan was going to fight one by herself.

Even she had to admire her massive, and thoroughly non-existent, balls. What was that Qunari phrase that Bull used? Taarsidath-An Halsaam? Yeah, that was _totally_ going to happen after this _._

Armed with some simple robes, and her trusty staff (with a goddamn skull on it because how cool was that), she looked upwards at the dragon. And she felt no fear.

No, rather, she was giddy. With excitement. Like a little boy in a candy shop.

The dragon roared a geyser of flame at her direction. She assumed that was the traditional dragon custom of saying hello.

"Oh, bring it on, motherfucker."

She jumped into battle. With a flick of her wrist, her staff (with a goddamn skull because it's cool as hell) was off of her back and into her hands. Another flick of her wrists made an impervious magical shield around her. Just in time too, as the flames washed over the shield the second it was made. Not a second after the flames stopped burning her shield to a little crisp, she had disappeared.

From above the arena in which the Inquisitor and the dragon fought, Iron Bull, Varric, and Cassandra gathered, two of them somehow far less entertained than the other. Iron Bull and Varric groaned. Rather loudly.

"I thought you said you wanted to see the Inquisitor fight a dragon," Cassandra said dryly. "You even brought popcorn."

Iron Bull munched on a handful. "I don't know what I was expecting."

Varric sighed. "I may or may not have to make stuff up for this story. No one will believe that the Inquisitor just murdered a dragon by being _cheap_."

"Magic is bullshit," Iron Bull muttered dejectedly.

Back in the arena, Evelyn was having a blast, mainly because she hadn't been touched yet. And she wouldn't ever be touched. Even by a damn dragon. Because she was pretty much a god at this point. When she became the Inquisitor and received proper training in the ways of the Knight Enchanter, the gears in her brain spun. The Knight Enchanter specialized in wading into combat, employing powerful barriers to prevent physical harm, and using magic as a melee weapon, something that most mages looked upon with loathing at worst, and with fear at best. Instead, Evelyn Trevelyan thought of it as the best way to literally _break combat._

After all, there was this thing that certain Knight Enchanters used, a certain technique that allowed them to amplify the powers of their barriers as long as they continued striking their enemies. The magical theory behind it didn't make any sense at all, but Maker's _tits_ did it work well.

All she had to do was rift walk, making her literally not in that plane of existence and thus completely immune to any sort of damage, saunter over to whoever she was fighting, materialize _inside_ of the thing, watch as magic exploded, and then proceed to hack over and over again with her giant projected magical sword. Occasionally, she threw in a few fireballs when she got bored. Then, it was simply rinse and repeat until everything died.

She had tested this strategy all the way through the Emprise du Lion, single handedly murdering her way through two companies of Red Templars. For a while, Iron Bull was so damn proud of his new favorite murder-time-fun-time boss.

That was until this became the routine. Then Bull got bored.

But Evelyn was still getting a kick out of it. Hell, she was fighting a goddamn dragon by herself because she was broken. Completely and utterly broken.

Once again, Evelyn ducked under a stream of fire and disappeared from existence, only to reappear with a massive explosion right under the dragon's legs. And once again, she started hacking away with her massive magic sword.

She sort of repeated this for a good twenty minutes. Finally, _finally,_ the dragon got tired of this shit and decided that it was just going to die because there really was no point in even fighting this stupid broken ass human. It keeled over and, with a rather pathetic moan, died.

Bull looked on at the scene. "I mean, I won't say it's not impressive, but, how did we all know she was going to spam that."

Varric just asked a question in response. "How come Vivienne doesn't do that? Isn't she a knight enchanter?"

"I still call bullshit. Magic is bullshit."

"Uh-huh, like that stupid crap you pull with that stupid spinning shit that somehow makes you literally unkillable."

"Ancient Qunari technique."

"Sure," Varric muttered.

Cassandra sighed, and buried her head in her gauntlets. "I'm surrounded by idiots."

* * *

Dragon Age:Inquisition becomes hilariously easy once you reach a certain point with certain builds. Case in point, Knight Enchanter. You literally deal so much damage that your barrier never goes away and so the entire game devolves into me mashing a single key over and over again.


End file.
